...called "Made of Honor". If you haven't heard of it it's about two best friends, a guy and a girl. The guy is a lothario who always views the girl as nothing but a friend until it suddenly appears he is about to lose her. It is at this moment that he realizes he is madly in love with her and vows to make her his own.
(Swoon).
I won't spoil the movie in case you want to see it (I thought it was good). But what I will say is it definitely made me think. As I sat there in the theater I suddenly thought of boyfriends past. In all honesty I would be better off saying boy friends--two words--though, as I am not entirely sure I have ever had a real, live boyfriend--one word--in my life. Sad, but true.
Now, now...before you break out the Kleenex please know that my situation came about through no one's fault but, well...my own.
Seeing what the girl was going through I couldn't help but see a bit of myself, back in college, surrounded by my male friends who treated me just like the main guy in the movie treated the heroine--like a queen. But still just as a friend. That is all I thought I always was until hindsight knocked some sense into me. Looking back, I had many chances at love. For your entertainment, here is a top three list of the "ones that got away":
I mean, there was D. who had a serious girlfriend but always treated me better than her. We were inseparable. He brought me flowers on my birthday. He gave me great advice after I lost my Mom. He would drop everything and come and help me with anything. One day, he confessed his love for me in person to my face.
I let it slide and said nothing.
(I know...not my proudest moment).
There was M. I lived next to him my senior year. We finished each other's sentences. He made me laugh harder than anyone. He also had a girlfriend but always found himself with me on a Friday night. I wanted to take him to my last formal but he missed the call and I ended up taking a fraternity brother of his instead. I still remember the look on his face when I got back to my apartment, wasted. Like I had somehow hurt his heart a little. If anything should've happened between us, it would have been best to happen that night.
Instead, we ended up sharing pizza and I think I passed out shortly thereafter.
And then there was S. He, too, had a serious girlfriend but always made plans with me. He'd confide in me and share his deepest secrets. One day he kept saying, "Liv, did you know that everyday, all over the world, people go out on dates? Just for fun? Just to date?" As usual, I was clueless.
I laughed it off and changed the subject not seeing what he was really trying to say.
I was never physical with these particular men. But still, writing about them makes me wince a little bit at my own cluelessness. I could be cliche and say it "wasn't the right time" but, who knows? Maybe it was. What I can say for certain, though, is it just wasn't the right me at that time. I never knew myself well enough in college to ever be truly present in a relationship. And when you don't know yourself and what you deserve, how can you ever really know and love someone else? If you are content with just being the girl on the side, let's say, instead of the main dish, how can you ever really feel completely deserving of being invited to the "love banquet"?
So, after the movie I had a choice. I could regret my past choices and beat myself up. Or I could let it go. While 5% of me hurt a little at the ghosts of these boy friends past suddenly floating up into my memory and I felt a bit foolish at my past mistakes, the other 95% of me was strangely comforted. Because I finally knew that now when I am faced with a boy friend like the ones I had before, I know myself well enough to actually love them back. And that I am worthy of turning that boy friend into a boyfriend.
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