What's a girl to do?
A scenario all too true: after a long time of introspection and soul-searching, workouts and breakthroughs a nice girl comes full circle and finally feels good about herself and her world. She strikes her own sense of balance and sets her own goals. She makes her own place. She feels comfortable and content. The world is her oyster. Somewhere along the way, and without any effort on her part, she meets a (seemingly) nice guy. What a nice and unforeseen perk to just doing her own thing! And most important of all, he seems interested in her comfortable and content little adorable self. Life is good.
He reaches out to her repeatedly. She reciprocates. She is her normal sparkly self. Things seem promising. She feels good. But then and for no obvious reason he stops seeking her out. She's confused. What, she wonders, did I do so wrong? (And that is her first mistake).
She feels a little crazed, wondering how to make him seek her out again. (Second mistake). She craves the attention and the excitement of their first conversations. She soon starts seeking HIM out through emails, texts, and other friends they have in common. She gets responses but nothing as positive as their initial exchanges. She stops listening to her gut. (Third mistake). She tries to pique his interest by suggesting they meet or by being bitchy or by emailing, Just wanted to say hi. (Cringe). He responds, to just be polite and not due to desire, and she is left feeling lukewarm where once there was excitement and potential. They might get together. They might not. But why is she so hell-bent on making this happen in the first place?
This nice girl is sometimes me. But let's be honest, ladies: this girl is sometimes you, too. You happen upon a guy, things seem good but then go south for no reason. You try to make it work. You reach out. You initiate. You suggest. But it's not going anywhere. Or if it is, it feels (if we're being totally honest here) like there is a lot of hesitation on his part. You ignore this. You have your eye on the prize. You want the golden ring.
But what, exactly, are you getting? And what is 'golden' about a lukewarm relationship with a guy who is not absolutely smitten with you?
Why, for any reason whatsoever, would you ever want to pursue something like that?
I get it. I get it all too well. Talking to someone, even if he is not THE ONE, is more fun than being alone. More than that, you feel like your future partner most likely won't be walking into the bar with an arrow over their head and a neon sign indicating, 'I'm the One!' anytime soon. So you make do with the men that come your way. But a poor man's replica of a good possible mate is not someone you should spend your time and energy on. I'm not saying to stop giving guys a chance. Quite the contrary. If a guy seeks you out and wants to be around you, if you are interested in him then go for it! On the other hand, if a guy who used to be into you stops coming around, take it as a sign that he just does not realize how great you are and move on. NEXT! No ifs, ands or emails about it. Let it be.
Eh, not so easy to do, right? Inevitably you might start to think, what did I do wrong to make him stop coming around? What can I do to make him want me again?
If you are anything like me, you were raised to believe that if there is a problem you just have to solve it. To not allow anything to get in your way and to just tackle the situation head on. And so I did. If I needed to improve my grades, I studied. If I wanted to win a game, I practiced. If I needed extra money, I got a part-time job and earned it myself. In the words of Tim Gunn on Project Runway, I always had this mindset: "make it work". It was all I knew. And if a problem persisted, well, then it was my fault for not solving it.
But affairs of the heart are not problems. They cannot be remedied by repeatedly giving them the good ol' college try. And as much as we make it so difficult, it really is quite simple. You either like a guy or you don't. A guy either likes you or he doesn't. There is no 'making it work'. It either is or it isn't.
It's also the same when it comes to ourselves. Either you like yourself or you don't. Either you realize how great you are or you don't. Either you surround yourself with people who think you are great, too, or you don't and continue to put up with people who are not worthy of you. Despite the drama and heartache and ways we choose to make it so damn difficult, it really is just that simple.
So when you find yourself reaching and grasping for someone who (e-gads!) does not want to be near you, this is more than just you trying to make it work. This is more than just ignoring the signs that you know, deep down, are there. It's not JUST that he is just not that into YOU. This is more an indicator that YOU are just not that into YOURSELF. Don't forget all of the wonderful traits you have to share. And don't ever stop listening to your gut--it got you this far and it would never lie to you. The minute a man, whether you are dating him or not, starts pulling away and in the process makes you feel anything less than your fabulous self, RUN! AND FAST! Stop being a magician, and letting your self-worth suddenly perform a 'disappearing act'. And stop trying to make affection appear 'out of thin air'. All magicians perform are illusions. And if you are like me, you know you deserve the real thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment