It was way back in my dating past, before I had a better grasp on how this whole thing works. So, I confess: here and there, I was a little careless about calling potential beaus back. And sometimes, I wouldn't return a seemingly good guy's advances. And at other points, I ultimately blew off offers from a number of amiable young suitors.
I can't stress it enough, though: this was never done to be cruel. Regarding men, I was beyond clueless back then. My male friends can attest for certain: I could never tell when a guy was actually hitting on me or if he was just "being nice". (And if we're being perfectly honest here, I'm still a bit clueless about that even now).
Anyway, the Universe has a memory like a steel trap. Even when it comes to small dating missteps, it likes to ultimately even the field. In an attempt to right these past wrongs, it's currently making me atone for these past dating "sins". So, friends, I'm here to report back: homegirl is currently in first date purgatory.
What's it like? In a word, familiar.
I'm staying present. I'm staying glossy. I'm staying up late talking to guys on the phone. And it's leading to a lot of dates. Awesomesauce! But no matter how great the email and phone conversations go beforehand, one first date after another, I unfortunately keep finding myself on the same kind of only so-so, ho-hum date that is just short of being anything remarkable. No spark. No magic. No angels singing triumphantly in the background. And this just repeats itself with the next date I go on. It's kind of like being in a dating version of Groundhog's Day. It constantly repeats over and over and never moves forward towards redemption: a fun second date.
Like I said, first date purgatory.
It's a tough punishment and a tough place to get out of. Michael the Archangel, can you help a sister out? I never meant to be intentionally hurtful towards anyone. Could I really be doomed to suffer an enternal dating damnation for being "oblivious Livvy" in my youth?
I don't think it's such a sin to want to get into dating heaven. To want a spark or at least a hint of a spark. You know what I’m talking about: crystal clear blue eyes and a killer smile and, even better, falling for a guy's personality, sense of humor, or kindness. I’m looking for the buzz, the zing, the “za-za-zoo” as Carrie Bradshaw once described it. That sort of excitement is missing from my current dating experiences. And though I am managing my expectations (it can't be completely gangbusters right out of the gate) it's been a little repetitively ho-hum over here in DatingLand.
This is especially tough for me because I love being around men. If there were t shirts women could wear proclaiming their love for men (not something like Team Jacob or Team Edward, mind you, but a real "Men are The Bomb" sort of thing) my whole closet would be filled with them. I just love everything about them. I love their logic and the way their minds work. I love the sexy way they smell. I love how they are such visual creatures. I love their energy and chemistry. I love their drive and swagger. I love them from head to toe. People say women are interesting (and, yes, a little bat shit crazy). But I find men absolutely, infinitely FASCINATING!
So I hope you can understand how incredibly disappointing it is to have bad dating experiences with a gender I really adore. Men who are on the market, I don't want you to strike out next time no matter who you may be dating. And women, I don't want you to think you're alone if you, too, haven't been going on great dates lately either. In the hopes of improving the game of men everywhere, and potentially improving dating karma for everyone involved, here are some dos and don'ts I have learned during my recent time in dating purgatory. Maybe this will save you from experiencing your own. (And, sign of the cross, maybe this will be the penance that will ultimately get me out of mine.)
1. Do: Be yourself.
Don't: Sort through your dirty underwear right after we meet.
First dates are meant to be light and bright. On one of my recent purgatorial dates, I was sharing how I had just gone to a Duran Duran concert and how I love to watch college hoops. Light. Bright. Dare I say airy? Anyway, my date then shared details of his recent family court appearance, how one of his daughters doesn't like him and how much he truly hates his ex-wife. No light. No bright. No air at all. I was "Rio" and jump shots. He was sorting through his emotional baggage, piece-by-piece, and making me sort through it with him. It made me feel more like his therapist than his date. I know: life is tough and everyone has their past and present issues to deal with, myself included. But a slow reveal can work wonders and won't alienate your soon-to-be-beloved right off the bat. Airports have a limit as to how much baggage you can bring with you as you first check in. With dating, I've found that it's really no different.
2. That said...Do: Still be honest.
Don't: Think I was born yesterday.
If you say you are divorced, can I make a heartfelt plea that you please actually be divorced? You may be the cat's meow: cute, kind and a killer personality. So please don't get my hopes up and then break my fragile little dating heart by still being married. It's like biting into a savory chocolate only to find out there's a dirt-filled center. If you're really just separated and all that is left is "some paperwork", that paperwork could take years and it's not fair to anyone if one person isn't truly available. I was hitting it off with a guy on another purgatorial date recently. Then I asked him how long he had been divorced. He stammered, darted his eyes around the room and rubbed his nose a lot as he answered me. Yeah, I didn't believe Pinocchio either. So please, don't be a liar. Just be divorced.
3. Do: Keep it flirty and fun.
Don't: Be a dominatrix.
Show off the best you. I want to see the fun side that your friends and family adore. And please don't be afraid to poke fun at yourself and me, a little, too. This is really attractive and fun for everyone involved. But, that said, know that if you ask me in the first five minutes of our conversation if my job involves a catsuit and a whip, this is too much. (Yes, this happened). We're not there yet. And trust me: we're not getting there anytime soon, friend.
4. Do: Have some go-to topics to talk about.
Don't: Stare like a zombie. (It's creep-o-rama.)
First dates make me nervous, especially if it's someone I really like so far. As I head out the door, I try to think of a few topics to talk about should conversation be a little...slow. Even if it's just my fascination with Starbucks, my neverending loyalty to Villanova basketball or how I'll probably be one of the first in line to see the Muppets Movie when it comes out, it's still something to talk about. Please bring your own interests to the table, too. Your equally nervous date will sigh in relief. I mean, a little awkwardness is expected and normal. But repeated silences filled with blank staring is just plain creepy. And you're no zombie. Or wait a minute, are you?
5. Do: Stick to neutral topics, at least at first.
Don't: Lead with your bank statement, most painful childhood memory or how you never truly got over losing that spelling bee in the third grade. (Hey, "onomatopoeia" could've tripped anyone up, friend).
Again, light and bright is the name of the game. Avoiding topics like finances, politics and religion will make everyone more comfortable . Getting to know those juicy layers of a person gradually is part of the fun of a new relationship. Finances seem to come up a lot because of the economy. It’s understandable and I'm not looking for a meal ticket but can I kick the tires a little first? Then, if you also happen to have bad credit or a lot of student loan debt, we'll work it out together and I'll be so smitten it just won't matter. Disclosing how money is super-tight right off the bat, though, would make even a Rockefeller nervous.
6. Do: Focus on your date.Don't: Answer your phone and talk with your buddy about his best. Golf score. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood of a budding romance like answering a phone call in front of your date. If you think it's an emergency then by all means, get on the horn. But if it's just your golf buddy calling to tell you about his latest course triumph, can you let it go to voicemail? This happened in purgatory recently. It made me feel wicked unimportant. And just plain dumb. And that was not fun. Not so much.
7. Do: Mind your manners.
Don't: Make it rain f-bombs every other word.
I admit it: sometimes I have a mouth like a trucker. Who hasn’t let a curse word fly now and then? But I don't let it come out on a first date or even on a fourth date. So if your expletives are flying so fast that even you can't keep track of them, maybe it's time to tone it down a bit, f-bomber. Manners matter. Let your date see the best first date version of you. Then you can curse out the Giants together later on.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment