How NOT to audition for "American Idol" (In 16 easy steps)

1. Get excited.

2. Tell a couple of your close friends, the ones who have always egged you on to audition that you plan to (finally) do so this year. Get them excited.

3. Go through your entire cd collection looking for the PERFECT audition song that not only is contemporary but also showcases your, at times, impressive and unique vocal range. Select "When I think about Cheatin'", an obscure cut by Gretchen Wilson. Sing said song ad nauseam in the shower, while driving, while walking around the house, etc. Make the people in your immediate living vicinity and neighborhood absolutely sick of this song.

4. Continue to get excited.

5. Make housing and travel arrangements in regards to getting to the audition which happens to be in Philadelphia, a 6 hour drive away. Map route on Google maps. Brainstorm small gift for hostess who will be putting you up during the audition process, which could, well, span days.

6. Read the F.A.Q.s on the American Idol website. Memorize the process in regards to obtaining a wrist band and seat ticket and what kind of identification is necessary to do so.

7. Keep singing "Cheatin'".

8. Start visualizing what it will be like to meet Randy, Paula and Simon. Practice funny but sincere things to say to them upon such meeting. In mirror, practice reaction to the phrase, "You're going to Hollywood."

9. Continue to get so excited that you have trouble sleeping at night.

10. Start making wardrobe selections. Keep it casual but classy. Opt for sensible, but cute, shoes over heels.

11. Start mental countdown of days and tasks to be completed prior to A.I.D.D. or "American Idol Departure Date."

12. Refrain from telling family members who watch the show that you plan to audition until you know you can call them and tell them you made it through. And continue to sing that damn "Cheatin'" song.

13. Get out-of-your-skin, unbelievably, ridiculously excited.

14. Mention in passing that you will be auditioning to an old friend. Hear the phrase, "But don't they have a cut-off age?" Counter with, "Yes, 29...I think." Suddenly feel unsure. Look at American Idol website. Discover cut-off age is not 29 (your own age) but 28. Get v.v. upset.

15. Ponder. At length.

16. Have epiphany. Google information on "Nashville Star" as they supposedly do not have cut-off age. Wonder how one would look in cowboy boots. Continue to practice song.