He said/She said on: Dating

Men and women are quite different. We know this. To further prove this point my friend Michael and I pondered the following question from our opposing male and female perspectives:

What would a dad tell his son who is just starting to date? On the flip side, what would a mother tell that same son? Playing the roles of Dad and Mom are Michael and yours truly, respectively.

First, his take...

Go date, young man:

As you set off into the wonderful world of dating, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news first? Well, the good news is that even though you have not yet started dating, you are no further behind any other male as far as figuring out what in God's name is going on inside the head of a woman. In some ways, you're Harry Potter saturated brain may be able to make more sense out of it than mine (which is filled with stock ticker symbols and vague narratives that, if i could recall them fully, may lead to the discovery of my long-misplaced social security card somewhere in my apartment). Trial and error has taught me a few things, which I'd like to share (you will also make these errors, but it will be comforting to know you're not the first):

1. When woman points out another woman and asks why that woman is dressed "like a total hooker" (and this will happen), there are a myriad of possible things you may think to say. Please keep in mind that the following: (1) even though she points it out first, there is no need for you to visually confirm; (2) there are valid reasons why a girl may dress to be noticed by members of the male gender; and (3) bringing up any of these reasons, though they may be perfectly logical and obvious, is a grave misstep. So, in this situation, you absolutely must not acknowledge that anything has happened. Simply keep moving forward (or staring straight ahead) and pray for a water-main explosion or an attack of locusts. And for the record, you didn't hear her and/or no longer speak English.

2. Women wash, rinse, repeat. You need to apologize, do something nice, repeat. You will be apologizing to your significant female other. This is a fact. Don't be concerned about what you will be apologizing for. I assure you, when the time comes to apologize, you will be told what exactly the apology is to be for. It's a fairly efficient system. Just roll with it. And for Christ's sake, do not try to fight this rule when you've been drinking.

3. Arguing the merits of a disagreement may seem like a valid approach, but you will be informed that the actual events that directly lead to the argument are "not even what this is about." What is it about? See rule #2.

Now, my take...

Dearest son, I am so glad you found a nice girl that catches your eye. I can remember when your father and I started dating and it was quite a special time. As you embark on this new adventure of the heart, here are a few things I want you to keep in mind:

1. Whenever you are out and about with this girl, always treat her like she is the prettiest girl in the room. She might be. She might not. But whether she is or not doesn't really matter as she will only remember how you look at her and how you make her feel. This world is full of crazy ideals about beauty. It is often tough for a girl to feel good about herself no matter what she may look like. If she notices a girl who might not be as "ladylike" as she is and she points her out, she's hoping you'll agree as this will confirm her hopes that 1. she won't have to slut herself out for you and 2. by your reaction she'll be able to gauge whether you want to be with her or whether you are just looking for some action. (And yes, Mommy has done this before with Daddy, as well. Daddy wasn't as smart as you'll be, though, as he just pretended not to hear).

2. Getting to know someone takes some time. The girl you will date will hopefully be just as great of a catch as you are. So, once she lets her guard down and knows she can open up to you, she will probably want to tell you everything. This might drive you a little crazy but this is just the way it is. Because, for the most part, girls 'feel' things while guys 'know' things. It is a heart vs. brain mentality. And inevitably, because of this simple disparity among the sexes, there will be disagreements along the way. When this happens, stick around. Show her you are into her by staying to talk about things. In the argument, it might your fault and it might be hers. Or it could be both. Either way, keep your cool and talk about things. She'll think the world of you if for no other reason than because you're trying and you're not jumping ship as soon as you hit your first iceberg. Furthermore, when she is angry and says she doesn't want you to call or stop by, trust me: she's lying. So be there. Show up. She is testing you.

3. There are girls you simply date. And there are girls you date and then marry. Big difference. You'll learn this as you go. The girls you simply date sure are fun but upon closer inspection there is not much to them. This poem I once read will spell it out a bit better: "Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree." Do yourself a favor and climb all the way to the top. Risk falling. The apples at the top are worth reaching for.